Hey everybody! Welcome back. This last week’s been a fun one for the house. It was Amy’s birthday! Amy is one of my housemates, and my sister from another mister. And what better way to celebrate than some birthday crumble. More specifically, apple crumble.
If you don’t live in the UK, you might be wondering what in God’s green Earth is a crumble. It’s basically a dessert of stewed fruits (in our case apples) and a crumbled mix of butter, flour and sugar on top. It’s comforting and delicious. And it was my idea — guilty as charged. I had to come up with a dessert that we could use apples in.
Why apples? Well, that’s a whole other story. A story I’m gonna tell right now. A few days before my birthday, I was on a walk with Amy and the others and we were about to go past this hedgerow, until one of us pointed out the apple trees (Malus domestica).
Even though apple trees aren’t actually native to the UK (they’re originally from Central Asia), they can and do escape from man-made settings. They were first brought here by the Romans back when they were doing Roman things. So they’ve had plenty of time to be naturalised.
The apples on these trees were mahoosive. A lot of them were at a height that was easy for us to reach out and grab them; the biggest and ripest ones were growing higher.
So naturally, I did what my housemates told me not to: I climbed up the tree. It wasn’t a bad climb either. In that moment, I felt like I truly returned to monkey. One hand holding on for dear life, the other picking apples. And thanks to one of my housemates, you get to see a rare glimpse of me in the wild.
Sorry about the brightness, the photo was taken using their phone.
This is what the university experience is all about guys: raiding fruit trees with your best friends. No amount of money in your student loan can buy memories like that.
Between the four of us, we got ourselves a good bundle of apples. I’m pretty sure these were mainly Bramley apples. This is a British variety and the most popular one for cooking. They’re a bit sour and tart when fresh, but then they turn nice, sweet and fluffy once cooked. Perfect for crumble. We put them all into a big paper bag.
When we got home, I brought them into the kitchen and left them sitting in the pantry to help slow their ripening. Definitely not because I was broke and waiting to receive money so I could buy the ingredients. Absolutely not.
Once the apples got bored of sitting, I took them out and washed them in my big plastic bowl. I’d suggest you do this too, unless you like caterpillars in your crumble. Most apples are perfectly safe, but it’s always best to wash wild fruit if you can.
Before we get started, I have a special shoutout to a special someone. Because this apple crumble recipe actually comes from my girlfriend. My beautiful, wonderful girlfriend named Grace. Thank you for helping your idiot boyfriend cook this. Sending you lots of love.
The first thing she said to do was slice the apples, removing the cores and seeds inside because cyanide isn’t very good for crumble. Great for assassinations, though. Pro tip: slice the apples into thin wedges; slice them too thick and the crumble will burn before they’re even cooked.
You can peel the skin off the apples before slicing them, but I didn’t do that. My thinking was that most of the flavour and nutrients are in the skin, and the skin on these ones was thin enough that they’d still cook.
Next Grace said to add butter and sugar with the wedges. The key part in her recipe is less sugar, more butter. One heaping tablespoon of butter, and one of caster sugar. She was adamant on it being real butter; not margarine, otherwise it’ll make the apple taste s***.
She also said to add a tiny bit of syrup. You wanna just drizzle a teaspoon’s worth over the wedges. I used a British classic: Lyle’s golden syrup.
Then you get your hands in the tray and rub that butter, sugar and syrup all over the wedges so they’re evenly coated. After you’re done fondling them, they will be thoroughly traumatised and ready to be covered in crumble.
This is when you make the crumble mix. It’s literally a crumbly mix of butter, flour and sugar. And oats. If you haven’t clocked it yet, this is where crumble gets its name. Since she’s British — a Cornish lass born and raised — Grace can just eyeball it with the mix. It’s less about the exact measurements and more the consistency (i.e. how crumbly it is).
For reference, this is what it’s supposed to look like:
I sorta messed this part up by pouring in too much flour. We didn’t have more butter, so the crumble mix was a touch drier than we might’ve liked. Once it’s ready, pave the apple wedges like the council paves our roads in tarmac. But try to do a better job than they do.
Preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius (or 356 degrees Fahrenheit) before putting your crumble in. Then leave it to work its magic. You’re not really waiting for a specific length of time, you’re just waiting until the top turns to a nice golden brown colour. For us, that took around 25–30 minutes.
A colour kinda like this:
Seeing as it was her day, the birthday girl and I invited some of our friends. Food always tastes better when it’s shared: a big rule in foraging. So we were all helping ourselves to some apple crumble together. As soon as you try scooping it while it’s hot, it falls apart. That’s another reason it’s called crumble.
In fairness to everyone, it was a tad dry; we didn’t have any cream or custard in the house to help moisten it which was blasphemy. Probably should’ve bought some when I was out shopping. A little Ambrosia custard would’ve made this into a masterpiece.
One of our housemates also said the apples were cooked beautifully, but tasted “really strong”. He’s not used to the quality apples we have down here in Cornwall.
I know some mistakes were made…most of them by me. But that’s all part of the learning process. Better planning and attention to the crumble mix ratios are the key takeaways for me. To someone who’s suspected of having ADHD, this is easier said than done…
All in all, having apple crumble is a highlight for anyone’s birthday.
I hope you guys liked this post. Stay tuned for more of my cooking endeavours. See you in the next one. Stay straying!