Hi everyone! Welcome back to the blog. Last Tuesday I discovered this massive mushroom while on a group outing with the boys. It was me and my hometown friends Daniel and Zaki.
Daniel and I go way back. We used to go to college together. Then we eventually ended up going to different universities. In the UK, you have to study for two/three years at a college (or sixth form) before moving on to university.
But we still meet up whenever I come to visit. He’s one of the sharpest brains I’ve ever met, and he’s an absolute wizard when it comes to birds. You hand this man a feather and he’ll tell you exactly what type it is from how it looks, feels, and tastes.
Zaki sometimes joins us on our outdoor shenanigans. He’s got a knack for learning new languages, and loves chemistry. This guy’s so hyper I’m convinced his body can create its own caffeine. No coffee required.
So the three of us went out, but this wasn’t any regular outing. We were on a mission. Daniel doing important conservation work; Zaki and I providing him emotional support.
We took our usual route to this plantation area. On our way there, we kept spotting wasps on fences, leaves, etc. Common wasps (Vespula vulgaris) to be more exact.
Here’s a photo of my hand holding one:
They aren’t lying about their name: they’re the UK’s most common wasp species. “Yep, definitely wasp season now”, I told the other two. Which reminded me of when I found a whole nest — literally the day before. It was right under this old moss-covered tree stump, deep in the ground.
These wasps like to make their nests underground. At first, it was just a small handful flying in and out. But as I got closer and closer, the hole started pouring out wasps like a baptism from hell.
Soon there were hundreds of the little b****rds swarming around me; they weren’t attacking. Meanwhile, I just stood there in this black and yellow cloud. And I didn’t get stung once. Pro tip: when a bee or wasp starts to fly around you, the important thing is to stay calm and do not panic. No sudden movements. Eventually it’ll buzz off.
As Daniel, Zaki, and I were nearing the site of our mission, something magical happened. I came across a fallen tree. I felt the branches looking at me. That’s a Keane reference there. But yeah, I did find this fallen beech tree (Fagus sylvatica) at the edge of the tree line.
And growing on the roots were these massive mushroom clusters. The biggest one was ridiculous. A Kardashian could sit on it. It’s also one of the cleanest mushrooms I’ve ever seen. No bugs, and barely any dirt on it.
At first glance, I thought it was chicken of the woods (Laetiporus sulphureus).
But then I saw it was brown on top instead of bright orange. I did not want to get poisoned that day so after some careful examining, I found out they were giant polypores (Meripilus giganteus). These are edible too. That basically gave me the green light to pick one of them.
Fun fact: the giant polypore is an example of what’s called a shelf fungus (or bracket fungus) because they look like shelves made by a carpenter on shrooms. Ironic.
The boys left me at the fallen tree, but I caught up to them. Daniel was in the middle of air layering a hazel tree (Corylus avellana), and Zaki was being Zaki.
We realised there weren’t any spare bags for me to carry my mushroom in. Then Zaki had this idea of weaving a basket out of some willow (Salix babylonica) vines he gathered. So we sat down together while he taught me how to weave a willow basket. Some true craftsmanship.
The final product was more like a willow plate than a basket — still a work of art. We added hazel leaves for decoration. Just because we’re in the woods, doesn’t mean we can’t be artists.
I walked through the entire town centre; carrying my mushroom on this willow plate the whole time. At one point, Zaki made me go inside a Water Stones with this thing. No joke. These two were having way too much fun.
But I had to cut their fun short: mushrooms needed cooking. It was so big, it could only fit inside one of the washing up bowls. I let it soak in there for about 10 minutes before setting it on the chopping board. Now you guys might be wondering how the hell I even knew it was a giant polypore. I’ll show you.
This is how it gets its other name: the black-staining polypore. If you cut, poke, squeeze, or just touch this fungus too rough, it’ll bruise and go from dark brown to black. Don’t be put off by the colour. That’s normal for this species.
I like to cook my mushrooms quick and simple. First, I sliced it into thick strips. As even as I could slice them.
Next it’s time to bring out the flavour. Butter and garlic: that’s the best combo. I used West Country butter with sea salt crystals. Yeah, I decided to go bougie with the butter.
Like most mushrooms, you wanna to cook this at a medium-high temperature for a shorter time to draw out the water. And this is why mushrooms shrink whenever you’re cooking them. You’re looking for a nice dark brown colour; black means you’ve turned them into charcoal. They should also smell mushroomy and not burnt. Once mine were cooked, I laid them onto some toast and garnished them with grilled garlic.
It was…like chewing pieces of rope. Buttery, garlicky rope. The taste was great, but they were so chewy. Have you ever had one of those really cheap steaks that just refuses to be chewed? The kind that doesn’t care how strong your teeth are. That’s what it was like, but worse. And they were stringy. Every time I bit a piece and pulled, I was pulling strands. I looked like a zombie in the Walking Dead.
That’s when I knew I picked an adult. Turns out, the adults of this species are damn near unchewable; younger ones are more tender and taste better. But it’s a learning curve for me. Note to self: don’t pick the adults….unless you hate your teeth.
I’ll see you guys in the next post. Stay straying!